It’s a pretty typical question to be asked after a horse show:
“Well, how did it go?”
And usually it’s pretty straightforward to answer: “Really good! He was a super boy and we won all the things!” Or, “Not so good, he had an inexplicable meltdown and we almost died.”
But after this horse show, it was not at all easy to answer, “How did it go?” On paper, it was kind of an epic fail. Despite marching around the Brave Horse show grounds like he owned the place, and giving me a stellar warm up before our test Saturday morning, he trotted down centerline and began flinging his head up and down, up and down, up and down. My horse does a lot of dumb things and has a lot of bad habits, but THIS is not one of them. Before I even halted at X my brain went into panic mode and I thought, “this might be bad.” Sure enough, each half halt elicited another sassy head toss, leg aids resulted in bucking, soooooo to say it was a disaster was quite an understatement.
But after this horse show, it was not at all easy to answer, “How did it go?”
On paper, it was kind of an epic fail. Despite marching around the Brave Horse show grounds like he owned the place, and giving me a stellar warm up before our test Saturday morning, he trotted down centerline and began flinging his head up and down, up and down, up and down. My horse does a lot of dumb things and has a lot of bad habits, but THIS is not one of them. Before I even halted at X my brain went into panic mode and I thought, “this might be bad.” Sure enough, each half halt elicited another sassy head toss, leg aids resulted in bucking, soooooo to say it was a disaster was quite an understatement.
Sunday we got to take another crack at it, and while I was thrilled with how drama-free was it was, the judge clearly was not. And in a way, that feeling was even worse than the meltdown–if he’s not even good enough when he’s being good enough, where do I go from here? On paper, this show was not a success. We didn’t meet our goals, we didn’t get our scores, we didn’t win all the things. So if someone asked how it went, that is one answer: “bad.”
But the 15 total minutes spent in the show ring was such a small part of the weekend. And while that may have sucked, everything else did not. I gave massages to several friends’ horses and was thrilled to get feedback about good rides, better scores, and happy horses. I met some new clients at this show and massaged handfuls of young horses, tense horses, upper level horses, you name it. So while on one hand, I’m feeling crushed by Disaster Test 3, my heart is joyful because I get to do what I love and because I know how much it helps the horses. I was torn somewhere between, “What am I even doing here?” and “It is magic that I’ve finally found my purpose.” How then can I answer the “How did it go” question besides saying, “It was soul crushing devastation and successful beyond my wildest dreams?”
That is certainly a succinct way to put it, if not all that informative. I was telling a non-horsey friend of mine about the weekend and finally found the right answer. There are paper goals and then there are heart goals. If you look at the paper goals, we failed, no question about it. I want do this, qualify for that, etc. etc. Nope, nope, nope. But those aren’t the only goals, those are just the ones that people focus on and talk about, they are the goals that are easiest to convey. The ones that take a backseat to the accolades and the ribbons are the heart goals. And that weekend, those were met a thousand times over. Of course, I like blue ribbons and beautiful scores, who doesn’t? But when I send in that entry, I have other goals in mind. I want to catch up with friends and acquaintances, I want to clean tack late at night sharing drinks and laughs. I want to hear stories of others’ journeys, triumphs, and struggles. I want to experience the connections with my equestrian community, other people who do what I do and love what I love. I want to ride my lovely horse in a beautiful new place, fawn over perfect fluffy footing, watch dressage tests and feel inspired. I want the first thing I do in the morning to be cleaning a stall instead of checking work email. I want to spend afternoons hand grazing and laughing at the silly things our horses do instead of counting down the hours until I can escape the office. And I want to spent every spare minute giving massages, helping riders understand how their horses are feeling and helping the horses release tension and soreness so they can perform their best for the riders who love them.
So despite the Saturday disaster that triggered some, “What am I doing with my life?” soul searching and some serious, “WTF is wrong with him?” head scratching, I drove home feeling oddly serene (even if it was hard to explain to everyone else why achieving the worst score of my dressage career equaled a good weekend). Even I didn’t get it then, but in hindsight it’s easy to see why. It’s not HOW you do, it’s WHAT you do. I spent a weekend doing what I love, with great people and beautiful horses. This is a sport that will bruise your ego yet fill your soul. How I did at the show was learn which one is more important to me ❤
